and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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