WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
