Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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