I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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