Apparently you make a good broom.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
