Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
