tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
