never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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