I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
