my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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