life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
