What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
