Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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