my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
