Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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