Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
