If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize