Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need water and some morals
I deserve this hangover.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
