i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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