If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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