I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
