Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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