Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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