Four minutes until I can fart!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
