i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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