no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize