i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
