Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
