no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
