All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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