I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize