you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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