Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
