This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
