I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm getting married
To pizza
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
