WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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