I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
