Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Boobs speak an international language.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
