No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
