she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
