She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
