you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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