she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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