Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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