I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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