I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
