I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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