Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
