Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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