so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
