Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She told me I should be a condom model.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize