I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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