The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
