My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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