My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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