Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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