I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
