I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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