Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
