Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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