We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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