6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize